On Pain

Fibromyalgia sucks.
Okay, now that we've established that...
I wonder what it's like to be "normal." There are people out there, so I've heard, that lead normal lives. I think I've even seen them and met a few. They do not have all these medical problems. They are active and healthy and don't take several pills a day. They go running for fun and don't think about subluxing patellas or bronchial spasms. What is that like? I'll never know. What if they cured fibromyalgia? They don't even know what it is! A cure is forever off. And do I have chronic fatigue? I am not sure.
Today I came home from work for the second time in memory because I was just too achy. Actually, I've been achier at work (is 'achier' a word?) but also, there wasn't much to do and I figured I might as well rest at home instead of staring into space at the store. But I can't let this win! Last year December was a bad month. I was miserable. It looks like January is going to be not-so-great this year. And I can't just take a month off of work. It's not like I feel better at home anyway. I just sleep so I'm not so aware of the pain. But when I wake up I feel even worse. Honestly, I probably feel much much worse than anyone else would feel before they'd go home. I mean, I stick it out much longer. But that doesn't matter. I'm me-- it's my body, my life. It doesn't matter what other people would do, only what I would do and what I can handle. Sometimes I worry that if I try to stick it out too long that I'll over do it and have to pay later. But I'm not sure. Also, I'm worried that I don't stick it out enough. That I'm not as tough as I could be. And I know I'm not doing everything I can to feel my best. I should be eating better, taking some kind of supplements or something, according to whatever rheumatolgist, exercising, etc. But it's so overwhelming. And if I'm going to do my best at feeling better in that area, why not do my best in everything else? Do everything I can to lose weight, to serve God better, to be attractive, to be the healthiest, most loving, best version of me possible? And here I get into the all or nothing mind set and can't do anything. Especially when I'm in pain. And I'm depressed. I can only sleep. Which makes things worse. Which makes me sleep more. Oh, the bitter cycle. And of course, as my counselor pointed out, it's not just a cycle. It's a big mess of cause and effect. A jumble.

I can't let anyone know that I'm like this! How will I ever find someone if they know I'm depressed and in pain and I struggle with these things! Must hide the blog.

I am cheerful and happy and live in the Joy and Peace of the Lord and everything is fine. Hah!

Really, I am thankful for Joy and Peace, when they come. And when I am able to recognize them. Sometimes I have to ask to see them because I get wrapped up in things like my pain. Oh, I don't want this cup! But, I suppose, if it were not this cup, it would be another. No one gets to have no cup at all. This is the will of the Lord and I will ask for Joy through it. There is so much that I do find Joy in. It's just that I feel everything so deeply. Does the physical pain have to be the same?