You are Too Much and Not Enough

Mmmm, I love my blog. I don't use it near enough. Here, lovely space, is where I can say what I truly feel. On my gmail status I have to write in code lest someone see how I really feel and run away. In real life I must catch them first, trick them into being my friend and then someday show them the real me and see if they stick around. Supposedly one of them will marry me that way. It's a good method. So my current status code is: "i t o t p. r i t m. a w w w h i i t t t t r o. y t w g w." I don't even remember how to break it. I think it says something like : "I'm too overwhelmed to purge. Room is too messy. Also wondering what would happen if I told them the truth right off. Yeah that would go well. " See but codes are dangerous too. Someone is bound to wonder about that and I can't be cryptic about it or they still know something is up. Or wrong. Or... goodness, the English language. How can "up" and "wrong" mean the same thing? On a barely-similar note, I think it is sad that I buy beautiful journals but write better when I can type so I can get my thoughts out at a decent speed. Alas.
ANYWAY.
1) I hate that I'm lying in bed instead of purging my clothes and listening to music on my new speakers, but what is to be done about it? Ugh.
2) See? What if I just put it out there, on my eHarmony profile or wherever, that I'm NOT a driven person, that I'm NOT cheerful all the time, that sometimes I'm pessimistic (mostly realistic, really, and the optimists have a slightly skewed view) and that I'm certainly NOT passionate about being physically fit! I'm just barely holding on to TRYING!!! Which, by the way, I'm trying to tell myself is an accomplishment so that I don't spend the rest of my life continuing to wallow.
3) You know why I don't just put it out there? Because I have to catch them. Trick 'em. Like a half dead worm wriggling around on a barbed hook... line and sinker.
4) In a book I'm reading I have learned that I believe I am too much and not enough. That is the phrase and I find that I believe it very firmly and deeply.
5)It is very frustrating to know that possibility and life are in you and not be able to gain access.