First World Problems

And another-- Dec 9, 2010, incomplete

I am here to complain. I am here to complain and also to acknowledge that I would miss the very things that I complain about, were they taken from me. But I am tired of having to acknowledge that. I'm tired of pain and suffering just on my own level here in priveleged upper-middle America. I'm tired of thinking about how I'm such a selfish person for even thinking I have any level of suffering here.

For instance: Dear Internet Explorer, I will condsider hating you less if you will consider crashing less. Sincerely, Katie.

Dear Katie, isn't it nice that you HAVE internet explorer? A computer? Fingers to type search words? A mind to think of search words? An education to have formed that mind? Isn't it great that you're sitting in your warm apartment worrying about any of this instead of somewhere wondering where your next meal will come from or how you will clothe your child?

The lost art of napping

Oh, look. Here's something I wrote 2 years ago. Finding all kinds of drafts...



I read an article on napping the other day. It was a wonderful article all about the pleasures and joys of sleeping in the light. Indeed, the medicine fields are telling is more and more how good napping is for us (and sometimes not, because nothing can be clear cut) but this article is about the simple down-home, good feeling, deliciousness of a nap.

That said, I must argue just a teeeeensy bit with the author. She says that, "a nap is not a nap without light." As far as I'm concerned, sleep when one is not supposed to be sleeping, or when it is not a full night's sleep, is a nap.

Consider: Snoozing on the airplane on a one-hour 9 pm flight. Hunching down at your desk behind the towering inbox to catch a catnap. Skipping lunch everyday to, instead, sleep in your car in the parking garage, blanket and pillow at the ready. Or one of my personal favorites: falling asleep on your bed without getting ready for bed, thinking maybe you'll get up and finish a few more things. These things do not happen with the lovely afternoon light dappling your face through freshly bleached linen curtains. But, O! Those sweet long blinks over tired eyes. The slow relaxation of muscles in the face of "this isn't the time," or "this isn't the place, " or "no, not yet..." This is the stuff of naps.

Pain Management

Today I started a program through Kaiser called Pain Management and Rehabilitation. It is for people with chronic pain to retrain our nerves. I'm off of work for the 6 weeks that I'll be participating in the program.
Everyone was very welcoming and there was nothing at all awkward about walking into a room full of people who knew what they were doing. The ladies next to me were perfect about helping me to know what to do. We started with a little Qi Gong, which was ok. I'm sometimes inwardly rolling my eyes when things get a little too eastern, but am trying to keep an open mind. And the movement felt good. Then we did Feldenkrais for a while and that was really impressive! You can trick your brain and body so easily. Silly. My mouth actually dropped open. And the instructor was funny, which made everything more relaxing.
Did I mention that there are yoga blocks to put your feet on when you're sitting? So if you're short, like me, your feet are not dangling ridiculously. You can do all the exercises from whatever position you're the most comfortable with. There are blankets and pillows provided and you can get up, lie down, move around, stretch... do whatever you need to at whatever time to be the most comfortable. I wish every environment was like that.
After Feldenkrais we had group time where we just talked about what we had been feeling, what our frustrations are, what works well for us, etc. It was helpful and didn't feel like stereotypical group therapy. Then we went for a walk. Man, it was a short walk. I wish we had walked longer, but I had a nice chat with two of the other girls and my case worker. We chatted about shoes and pizza and I was invited out to lunch on Wednesday with everyone.
Tomorrow we do Yoga instead of Feldenkrais and I know I will miss the phase 2 people who only come MWF.
I'm encouraged by my first day. I hope I will want to move even more outside of class.

I've had a migraine almost every day for the last week. Don't know what that's about. I had been doing so well. I'm on a diet that excludes the 6 major migraine triggers-- caffeine, cheese, chocolate, msg, nitrates, and red wine. So I dunno about this one.

I could use another white chocolate Kit Kat right about now.

Mmm, yeah that's all.

Happy 4th Caliversary

This is from sometime in November-- the 8th? I just found it in drafts when I came to write something new, 9 months later.



Today I decided to move to my fourth Bay area home. I will also be attending a new church and looking at the possibility of a new job. All this from a girl who hates transition. I like my cozy apartment, but am going crazy not having my own space. Sharing a one bedroom, sleeping in a bunkbed, and not being able to control the mess is just not working anymore. I love my job a lot of the time, but am increasingly frustrated when my coworkers throw tantrums, the head office disregards our needs, and my efforts are not appreciated. I could use more money, too. I love my church and my community there. But I love my boyfriend and our relationship is stuck as long as we attend different churches.

What feels most immediately painful to me is leaving my church. Though he did not ask me to. He doesn't know that he could. I offered to do it. It's not just the leaving, either. It's the stepping into the unknown and the imagined of his church. I feel safe and loved and nurtured at PBC. But NHCSC scares me with its similarities to Psycho Church and I know how the healing process is going to hurt and wonder if it's going to work at all or just be painful with nothing to show at the end. What if I start feeling better and safer at NHCSC because I start believing the very things that make me nervous now? Then it will be like I've been brainwashed or something. This sounds paranoid, but if you had come from a corrupt cult-like church, you'd be nervous too.

Also, I have so many friends at PBC. 99% of my social life exists because of my church. People at NHCSC aren't like me. They're... charismatic. I'm so nervous and scared and sad. But I love him. I will try and I will pray and I will think and pay attention and I will try. And I will be brave and I will hold tight to God.