Should

I've found life to be a bit overwhelming as of late. The other day my friend called and found me crying. I hung up rather quickly and wrote him this email trying to explain what was going on.


Hey Friend,

In order to not be crying while I tell you all of this, I thought I would just email you.

I'm just, as usual, totally overwhelmed with my life. With my pain, I don't know what is too much activity, when to go home from work because I don't want to be the girl that goes home and I don't want to be the whiner who stays at work and I don't want to be the girl who stays at work through the pain and then grudges the people who go home with a cold.

I don't know when or how to ask for help. I don't want to be needy (you've heard this from me before). For instance, one thing I often need is a massage. That is a particularly hard thing to ask for as some people are just plain bad at it, but more importantly, sure everyone wants a massage.

I feel like if I skip things, I'm skipping because I can, not necessarily because I should. Sometimes I don't know my own motivation. Because I am not practiced in taking care of myself? I don't know. Even the phrase "taking care of myself" feels loaded and selfish. Sorry, I can't, I have to take care of myself. It makes me feel like people are resenting me just sitting on the couch, curled up under a blanket. Maybe I resent myself. Maybe at those times I feel like I could do more. I probably could, but what should I do? I have no idea. *

And there are so MANY shoulds in my life. It is a wall. I should go to the gym. I should eat vegetables. I should drink a lot of water. I should keep better track of my finances. I should tithe regularly. I should read my Bible every day. I should work in a soup kitchen. I should go on a mission trip. I should trust God. I should reach out. I should read more. I should not buy so much. I should not have so many books. I should floss every day. I should be more private. I should play guitar. I should play piano. I should think I'm smart. I should love better. I should be more like Jesus. I should weigh less. I should do my physical therapy. I should change my eating habits completely. I should have a better vocabulary. I should journal more. I should write poetry. I should go to bed. I should use my CPAP. I should be on time to work. I should use less sarcasm. I should figure out how to get married. I should give that up and let God figure it out. I should learn more about my camera. I should back up my photos. (Are you getting the idea?)

I should delete some email.

I should keep in touch with people.

I should visit some places.

I should save better so I can travel the world, or even just visit a few friends.

I should take lunch instead of buying it.

Okay, I'm stopping.

And in the mean time, I wonder how on earth anyone will ever want to be with this person when she cannot even figure out how to deal with life? I'm 28-freakin-years-old and cannot manage my own life. Thus counseling, etc. But still. How am I supposed to find someone that's not terrified by that? First they have to not be bored by me and then they have to not be overwhelmed? And all by meeting me online? What are the chances of that?!?!

I've enjoyed the last few weeks of a slower pace. No rehearsal, no small group, no teaching, no YAF, no counseling, no community group... man, it's been great. But if I were to give something up, how would I choose? There's no way. Anything I give up, I give up community. And I'm just too relational to do that. It's hard enough to think about the relationships I'm not building, but to give up continuing to build the ones I have... I can't even think about it.

And so I cry. I'm overwhelmed by sickness and life and relationships.

All there is to do is take it one second at a time and hope I get to the next sleeping time. Which I will do soon. Unfortunately it leads to a waking time. Alas.

There you go.

Also, men are stupid.
That is 70% of it. And my life being overwhelming is 87% of it. I'm aware that doesn't add up. The heart disregards math, which I appreciate since I think math is difficult.



*post script written at the time of this blog post
Am I just being lazy? If I'm going to go somewhere do I also have to put out the effort to be helpful and social? If I'm going to a friend's house can I arrive and hunker down instead or should I have just stayed home?