Baby steps

I do not DO baby steps. I'm so much an all-or-nothing kind of girl. However, I'm attempting to take steps more appropriate to my size.
Thus:
I have been drinking water when I think of it, even if means having a paper cup around instead of a reusable water bottle which would be much more Palo Altan of me and even though it usually means drinking room temperature water.
I have been trying to take food for lunch and thus be less tempted to buy whatever crap is most readily available around the shopping center. PB&J may not seem like a great lunch to some people but we're going for improvement here, not perfection. It has protein and is not 8,000 calories. Add a string cheese and/or a boiled egg and voila: lunch. I may still go for a black bottom cupcake at Peet's, but at least they're small and don't have frosting. Also eating luna bars, since Target still sells the one good flavor.
Finally, I have been to the gym twice now and plan to go again tomorrow. I think I've figured out how to squeeze it in, and it does feel awfully good. Must invest in a few more tank tops, etc. My favorite shorts have disappeared as well. But at least now I can be seen in shorts. Before when I went to the gym I made myself wear sweats.
Now: to sleep. Early.

Take Luck...

My dearest sister has advised me (as have some greeting cards) to concentrate on taking care of myself. This means, among other things, not concentrating on finding the love of my life in male form. To this end, I've come to my blog to brainstorm (can one brainstorm with oneself?) ideas of how to take good care of myself and I wonder if it will only turn into How to Spoil Myself Cuz They Said I Could 101.
Okay, let's see.

Sleep regular hours
drink water
eat veggies
exercise
(this isn't sounding like spoiling myself so far)
a massage (more like it)
saving for a trip (spending sounds more fun for immediate pleasure)
hot baths (but this makes the water bill go up)
get the piano from A and play for pleasure and for improvement
write letters
read

let's start with that, and see how we do. Tired, so it's time to implement #1.

Sweet Youth and thereafter

It is 12:45 am on my birthday. Yep, I've just turned 27 (unless we are waiting until 4:18 am, or whatever it was), leaving my mid-20s behind and entering my late 20s. Goodbye, youth.

Well, on my last day of youth I may have figured out what to do with my life. Ready? EVERYTHING.
And why not?
Here's the plan: I'll work lots of places for just a while each. For a while I'll work someplace like The Milk Pail and I'll learn all kinds of things about produce and cheese. Then maybe I'll work as a gardener. I'll learn about pruning and different kinds of plants. After that... well, the possibilities are endless.
Some people actually get paid to do this. They are called journalists. All they have to do is WRITE about their experience. The experience is called research. Funny, eh? What a way to live! But I didn't come to this out of envy, unless it was envy of knowledge. And I don't want book knowledge; it's not the same. I want to become a little mini-expert in lots of areas. For my own edification and who knows for what else. I want to know the workings of everything. National parks, soup kitchens, corporate offices, zoos, publishing houses... so much! I want to learn.
Now I just need to muster the courage and optimism. The discipline and drive.
A good start might be a good night's sleep. We celebrate upon wakening.
Good night.


ps- if I ever did want to be one of those writer-types, I'd have to learn to write sentences that aren't all the same length. Meh.

Omitted

Failure! In my post about TV dream-guys, I completely left out a Very Important Tall, Dark, and Handsome character. (Though, I'd prefer to believe he is Completely Real and not at all fictitious.)
May I present to you, Gilbert Blythe:




(swwooooooooooon!)

(btw, actor is Jonathan Crombie.)

I am completely in love. With Gilbert Blythe.
That is all.

What's important to you, Katie?

Relationships: God is a relational God, so it makes sense that I care about relationships so very much. This is a broad topic. Friendships have been important to me always. Men in my life have always held a special place, and over the last year I've really come to value the place of women in my life. This has been wonderful. I've been seeking the presence of women, both in peers and in elders and it has been a blessing. MC and C, J, my small group girls, my roommates. All such blessings. I've always wanted a strong male presence in my life, from E and dad and Grandpa, to my male teachers and male counselors, my pastors, my guy friends B, A, etc. But I really see the value of these wonderful women. Beyond that, my dearest friends are incredibly important to me. S, K, my roommates former and current. There is something about that best friend, of which I have several. I have expanded (or broken?) the meaning of Best.

Family. Oh, family. I often worry that I have put my family above God, and am in constant prayer about this. God has given me such a wonderful, supportive, Christ-centered, amazing family by whom I'm so blessed... and I will take that gift and put it above the giver! And I know that I will be jealous of being second to God in my husband's life... though I know I want to be second--that it wouldn't work to be first. Also, my family is crazy. Sometimes I am really mad at them. They are just a normal, yelling, dysfunctional, loving, awesome family.

Growing my relationship with God: I hope that I am always, always, always, growing. I have grown so much in the last year. I would hope that it wouldn't always have to be so painful (sorry, MC, I just can't deny it: I don't LIKE pain.) I need to be in the word more. My small group is awesome for this. I love my church for being so Bible based. I love my church for being healthy. Also, it is from this growth and my relationship with God that I hope to show love in the world, and be as Christ to it, every day. I pretty much fail, though.

Healing for the church: I have been through crazy times as far as my church background, and it has been painful for my family and those around us. This seems so wrong! The Church is a family, a body, THE Family, THE Body! So much of the hurt comes from misunderstanding and minor differences. It is my great hope for healing in this respect. We are the Body of Christ. Christians. We believe that He is the Son of God, that He came to die for our sins, the He rose on the third day and is at the right hand of the Father. We believe that God is God, the One and Only God, Three in One, that we are saved by Grace through Faith alone (yup, even the Catholics believe that. Myth one: busted.) (Also, I'm usually against capitalizing everything, I just happen to be in That Mood. ;) ) It just seems that the one place there should be more love in the world is within the church. But we are fallen, and it's tough! But no wonder the world has such a hard time with us.

Appreciating Beauty: I don't know if this is something that has developed even more since I have gotten into photography. Actually, I think it is something that I have always really valued. I can think back to long ago trips to beautiful places with my dad and remember being in awe. And I think I've always known that I grew up in a beautiful area. At the same time, I simply don't have the full motivation to get past all my physical limitations and my mental ones as well (I hate to admit those psychological ones), to do things like climb mountains and go on difficult hikes... I like to think I have a bit of an adventurous spirit, but I might be kidding myself. I was always the child who stayed indoors and read or watched TV rather than found something to do outside like my brother. Still, I am awed by the Canadian Rockies, tiny flowers, frogs, spider webs, puppies, shooting stars, aurora borealis, lichen, snow, and the likes.

Knowledge/Learning: I've said before that if I could, I might just sit in classes for the rest of my life soaking up head-knowledge. Ohhh, but then there's all the fun hands-on stuff. As long as I'm not being graded on it, I want to learn. I want to watch documentaries or travel to cool places and see for myself. Sometimes I think I have a hard time getting to the "get up and go," but I'm so much happier when I've done it!

These are just a few of the things that are important to me.

Bless his beautiful hide...

I think I realized why I haven't been posting. Every time I think of something to post, it occurs to me that people are waiting to READ it! You know, the things I think about posting are just the musings you guys are already tired of hearing from me anyway. All I'm going to do is think about relationships. I'm a relational gal, with one very important relationship in mind pretty much all the time. Healthy? Maybe not. But that's maybe the way it is right now.
Here's my revelation/theory for the day:
I've always thought that men should be the pursuer in the relationship. Why is that? I mean, this is 2009! Go get what you want, right ladies? It's true that I'm completely terrified of rejection, but maybe it's more than that. If a man is not even going to pursue me, what kind of leader is he going to be in the relationship to follow? I need a leader. Believe me. I can't make a decision to save my life, so he's going to have to do it. (Exaggerating a little, obviously.) (Look! I shouldn't have to put disclaimers on my own blog! This is MY blog! If you are reading this you should know me well enough!)
Is pursuer a word? It looks funny.
That's all.
Goodnight.

My TV Type WARNING: Shallow side of me

I think I have a "type." Tall, dark, and handsome. I know, it's so cliched! But, as I've been sick all weekend I've been watching reruns on Hulu of Charles in Charge and it turns out I've got a crush on Charles. I'm trying to be realistic, here. It's not a crush on the actor, Scott Baio, it's a crush on Charles. (Though, I may note that Baio also played Chachi and certainly everyone had a crush on Chachi, right?) I started watching Charles in Charge because I ran out of Chuck episodes. I'm all caught up on Chuck. Oh yes, btw, I'm crushing on Chuck. (Crushing is a verb now. To crush on.) Who wouldn't be? It occurred to me the other night that Chuck reminds me a little bit of another lanky TV man that I may have obsessed a bit over (maybe)... Ed. Ohhhh, Ed. Oh, and Ed's best friend Mike. Yes, and then we might as well throw in Mr Darcy.


Scott Baio-- Charles


Zachary Levi-- Chuck
(and hey, at least he's my age)


Tom Cavanaugh-- Ed



Colin Firth as Fitzwilliam Darcy-- the best scene too!



Seeing a pattern here?

Weathering It

You've heard of Christmas in July? Well, this is July in April. Yes, we're having a little spurt of 90- degree-weather in the Bay and it's even a little teeny bit worse since I moved 20 minutes south because I don't have the actual Bay to do its thing and cool things off. According to my computer it is currently 92 degrees in SF-- 6:39 pm. Currently 93 here in the south bay. So wrong! It's APRIL! I understand my poor mother's complaints about snow in April back home, too. Can't we just find a happy medium and both be content? How about all 70s all the time? Yeah. Sweet.
Don't hold me to that, I love my seasons. I love my seasons up to somewhere in the low 80s for a couple of days. Snow for a few months. Crisp autumn mornings. Sweet spring days. And 70s in the summer. I think I'm not supposed to be living in CA. Off to get some more water...

On Pain

Fibromyalgia sucks.
Okay, now that we've established that...
I wonder what it's like to be "normal." There are people out there, so I've heard, that lead normal lives. I think I've even seen them and met a few. They do not have all these medical problems. They are active and healthy and don't take several pills a day. They go running for fun and don't think about subluxing patellas or bronchial spasms. What is that like? I'll never know. What if they cured fibromyalgia? They don't even know what it is! A cure is forever off. And do I have chronic fatigue? I am not sure.
Today I came home from work for the second time in memory because I was just too achy. Actually, I've been achier at work (is 'achier' a word?) but also, there wasn't much to do and I figured I might as well rest at home instead of staring into space at the store. But I can't let this win! Last year December was a bad month. I was miserable. It looks like January is going to be not-so-great this year. And I can't just take a month off of work. It's not like I feel better at home anyway. I just sleep so I'm not so aware of the pain. But when I wake up I feel even worse. Honestly, I probably feel much much worse than anyone else would feel before they'd go home. I mean, I stick it out much longer. But that doesn't matter. I'm me-- it's my body, my life. It doesn't matter what other people would do, only what I would do and what I can handle. Sometimes I worry that if I try to stick it out too long that I'll over do it and have to pay later. But I'm not sure. Also, I'm worried that I don't stick it out enough. That I'm not as tough as I could be. And I know I'm not doing everything I can to feel my best. I should be eating better, taking some kind of supplements or something, according to whatever rheumatolgist, exercising, etc. But it's so overwhelming. And if I'm going to do my best at feeling better in that area, why not do my best in everything else? Do everything I can to lose weight, to serve God better, to be attractive, to be the healthiest, most loving, best version of me possible? And here I get into the all or nothing mind set and can't do anything. Especially when I'm in pain. And I'm depressed. I can only sleep. Which makes things worse. Which makes me sleep more. Oh, the bitter cycle. And of course, as my counselor pointed out, it's not just a cycle. It's a big mess of cause and effect. A jumble.

I can't let anyone know that I'm like this! How will I ever find someone if they know I'm depressed and in pain and I struggle with these things! Must hide the blog.

I am cheerful and happy and live in the Joy and Peace of the Lord and everything is fine. Hah!

Really, I am thankful for Joy and Peace, when they come. And when I am able to recognize them. Sometimes I have to ask to see them because I get wrapped up in things like my pain. Oh, I don't want this cup! But, I suppose, if it were not this cup, it would be another. No one gets to have no cup at all. This is the will of the Lord and I will ask for Joy through it. There is so much that I do find Joy in. It's just that I feel everything so deeply. Does the physical pain have to be the same?