Today I decided to move to my fourth Bay area home. I will also be attending a new church and looking at the possibility of a new job. All this from a girl who hates transition. I like my cozy apartment, but am going crazy not having my own space. Sharing a one bedroom, sleeping in a bunkbed, and not being able to control the mess is just not working anymore. I love my job a lot of the time, but am increasingly frustrated when my coworkers throw tantrums, the head office disregards our needs, and my efforts are not appreciated. I could use more money, too. I love my church and my community there. But I love my boyfriend and our relationship is stuck as long as we attend different churches.
What feels most immediately painful to me is leaving my church. Though he did not ask me to. He doesn't know that he could. I offered to do it. It's not just the leaving, either. It's the stepping into the unknown and the imagined of his church. I feel safe and loved and nurtured at PBC. But NHCSC scares me with its similarities to Psycho Church and I know how the healing process is going to hurt and wonder if it's going to work at all or just be painful with nothing to show at the end. What if I start feeling better and safer at NHCSC because I start believing the very things that make me nervous now? Then it will be like I've been brainwashed or something. This sounds paranoid, but if you had come from a corrupt cult-like church, you'd be nervous too.
Also, I have so many friends at PBC. 99% of my social life exists because of my church. People at NHCSC aren't like me. They're... charismatic. I'm so nervous and scared and sad. But I love him. I will try and I will pray and I will think and pay attention and I will try. And I will be brave and I will hold tight to God.
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