Dream

You should see how many times that word appears in the lyrics to the songs in the soundtrack to You've Got Mail. I was trying to figure out which song from the movie I had in my head, but to no avail because I think every song has that word in it. So.
Interestingly enough, it is that film that has birthed one of my greatest dreams. I want to own a bookstore. Preferably a children's bookstore. Preferably one that does not get eaten alive by Fox books or, in this case, Amazon.com.
I thought this was a cheerful little dream to have. I would get married, have some kids, stay at home, get a part time job, and then with all the money that my husband made (since we would have already stashed plenty away for our kids' college and our retirement) we'd open a bookstore in some little shop/university district. It wouldn't have to make money, it would just be on the side for mental and emotional health.
Problem. The dream is haunting me. Before I was even out of college the children's bookstore I always wanted to work at came up for sale. My English prof/adviser insanely advised me to buy it. He even had a business partner in mind for me-- a fellow alum, a business man, a shop keeper... But I was so young! And in debt! No way. I let it go by. Instead I went to work for the new owner after graduation. Worked there for three years and treated the store like my own.
In the meantime, a well-established children's bookstore near my sister's house in CA announced that they were selling. Well. What could I do, but inquire? So I did, along with my brother-in-law who would be my financial backer if anything actually happened. I inquired. And I thought about it. A lot. Painfully. And then I let it go by. Then I moved to California. I work in a different bookstore now. (I almost worked in missed-opportunity #2.) Yesterday I was whining to my brother-in-law about how I still wanted a bookstore. But the economy is in a nose-dive. It's awful. Not the time to go into business, if you ask me. Especially a business that's hard to keep afloat when the economy is great. Then today I was talking my college roommate's father. I needed advice on something in his field (insurance) and he basically asked me out of the blue if I had ever wanted to buy a bookstore and if I wanted to that he would like to be an investor in something like that. Sheeeeesh.
Here's the thing.
I don't really think I'm a business woman. I pretty much know it. I don't want to ruin relationships over business. Also, I don't want to handle the financial side of things. I want a business manager to handle all that, and all the legal stuff and whatnot. Licenses, rent, all that crap. I don't want to deal with it. And there's so much stuff I know I haven't thought of yet, I can see myself broken down crying every night for months. And that's before I get the business up and running. Let's not talk about when I go out of business! And people want to invest in this! Like, they want to make money. Ummm... this is not a make money kind of deal. Oh boy.
Do I go get an MBA? Will my dream keep popping up if I put it off again? Neither store has sold yet... dare I hold my breath? Dare I think another one could appear?
And Loans?! I'm still paying off college. And what about getting married? How much debt should a man be expected to take on? But then, I keep thinking about waiting for my life to start, and I can't do that. This IS my life. And I don't know what else I'm doing with it. Right now I'm working in a bookstore, which I actually really like. So why does it feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more? Because my favorite teacher told me anything less than a Masters degree was a waste of my mind? Because I live in the land of Overachievment? Because my aunt asked me if being a clerk was really what I was going to do with my BA? Because I make basically no money? Because I am not an engineer or scientist like every other person within a 200-mile radius? Am I supposed to continue on the elementary-school librarian track I started? Should I move back home? How can I afford to do other life-enriching things that I want to do, as mentioned in the previous post? And what about this husband?
Before my ex (ugh, I hate saying that) and I were dating I said to him "Do you want to know something? Oh, I shouldn't even tell you." And he said, "Don't then." But I told him. That a movie had inspired a dream for my whole life. That it had directly influenced the fact that I had worked in a bookstore after college and thus am currently working in a bookstore. I just thought I would come across as so ridiculous and shallow. But I'm not. And his work is video games-- so really (I'm not saying that it's shallow, just- what was I worried about?)
Stupid bookstore.
Stupid movie.
Stupid dream.