You are Too Much and Not Enough

Mmmm, I love my blog. I don't use it near enough. Here, lovely space, is where I can say what I truly feel. On my gmail status I have to write in code lest someone see how I really feel and run away. In real life I must catch them first, trick them into being my friend and then someday show them the real me and see if they stick around. Supposedly one of them will marry me that way. It's a good method. So my current status code is: "i t o t p. r i t m. a w w w h i i t t t t r o. y t w g w." I don't even remember how to break it. I think it says something like : "I'm too overwhelmed to purge. Room is too messy. Also wondering what would happen if I told them the truth right off. Yeah that would go well. " See but codes are dangerous too. Someone is bound to wonder about that and I can't be cryptic about it or they still know something is up. Or wrong. Or... goodness, the English language. How can "up" and "wrong" mean the same thing? On a barely-similar note, I think it is sad that I buy beautiful journals but write better when I can type so I can get my thoughts out at a decent speed. Alas.
ANYWAY.
1) I hate that I'm lying in bed instead of purging my clothes and listening to music on my new speakers, but what is to be done about it? Ugh.
2) See? What if I just put it out there, on my eHarmony profile or wherever, that I'm NOT a driven person, that I'm NOT cheerful all the time, that sometimes I'm pessimistic (mostly realistic, really, and the optimists have a slightly skewed view) and that I'm certainly NOT passionate about being physically fit! I'm just barely holding on to TRYING!!! Which, by the way, I'm trying to tell myself is an accomplishment so that I don't spend the rest of my life continuing to wallow.
3) You know why I don't just put it out there? Because I have to catch them. Trick 'em. Like a half dead worm wriggling around on a barbed hook... line and sinker.
4) In a book I'm reading I have learned that I believe I am too much and not enough. That is the phrase and I find that I believe it very firmly and deeply.
5)It is very frustrating to know that possibility and life are in you and not be able to gain access.

Communication Studies

Who invented mail? What a terrible idea! Mail turned into telegraphs, which turned into telephones, which turned into fax machines, which turned into emails, which turned into facebook and texting. At some point, one must have been content to stay in one's own community and communicate (see that? community/communicate? Oh fail, I can see already that the definition of community will come into play here...) with those right around them. Instead now we have to be friends with people clear across the world. And even if those friends were once right around you, you can't be satisfied to have crossed paths with them and move on. No, you must keep in touch! There ain't no excuse these days not to.

And you know why we have to? Because of relationships. And you know why we have to have relationships? Because God made us that way. Why? He's relational and he wanted us to experience that too, so he made us in His image. Thanks a lot, God. Srsly. Okay, yeah, I know, it's not your fault we took that free will and threw perfection out the window. Sometimes I just wonder about the value of autonomy. I'm usually wondering when I'm in pain.

Look, it's not that I don't want to keep in touch. It's not that I don't love my friends and I am ridiculously aware that I'm made as a relational being. And yes, I believe my community can be defined in different ways, one of those ways including people I need to keep in touch with long distance. I just get so overwhelmed, practically obsessed with my email and facebook and cell phone... It may even affect my health and possibly the Most Important Relationship and our communion (there is it again!). I won't go to bed without checking every single facebook update since I was on the night before, looking at my email, and seeing if the love of my life has contacted me yet (I don't know who he is, but he could have-- you never know...). And when I can't get back to people, or I forget to, I get little pangs of guilt. Two nights ago, I didn't open my computer before bed. It was a bit of a breakthrough. Of course, I had twice as much to go through last night... and then went to bed late and didn't wake up this morning to go to a brunch where there was a discussion on... guilt. Hah! Life is so funny.

Mail, as it was, wasn't so bad. Who doesn't love getting personal mail? Something thoughtfully written? I would love to write letters again. But in this day and age, with such up-to-the minute communication going around, I hardly feel it's worth it. I could send a letter and the news is not news by the time it arrives. And when would I have time? I can't even check my email till late at night. On the other hand, as such an all or nothing person, it's nice to be able to drop just a little note to someone. They know you're thinking of them. If only snail mail were available to me, I'd never get around to writing a letter because I'd think it would have to be more than "Hey, I was just thinking of you today." Where facebook or even email is perfect for that.

Someone said the other day that at some point in American history the porch moved from the front to the back... how sad it is. People should sit on their front porch and drink lemonade and strum their guitars and say hello to the people passing by.

The days I do have time, I don't spend it writing real letters, or even catching up on email. I certainly don't spend it outside with some lemonade looking for neighbors to talk to. And I don't spend it communing with God. I spend it compulsively checking my facebook and email waiting for... something. I don't even know what.
Something must change.
But I leave you with no real conviction that anything will.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mail

On Wealth

Sometimes the need to write comes at inconvenient times. Like in the shower. When getting ready to attend your six-year-old niece's birthday party. Guess she'll have to wait.

Why is it that I can totally love my job and have no money? And a surgeon can love his or her job and have tons of money? And then she can go off on fabulous vacations and see wonderful amazing parts of the world and I cannot. The surgeon's job is obviously very important. But if the surgeon wants to read anything, my job is important too. And actually, I have no qualms about my job. I feel it is important and I love it. I love the new part I'm learning about ordering books and I love being on the floor with the customers. And I believe we are almost equally intelligent. Almost. I mean, I could have been a surgeon. I just would have had to work my butt off. Still. here I am a bookseller who has not read Little Women, Moby Dick, Fahrenheit 451, East of Eden, or for that matter any Stephen King, Agatha Christie, or Kurt Vonnegut. And I will not have the chance to on any long airplane rides to Italy or the Galapagos.

So how can I go about enjoying life in the same way? How can I enjoy the freezing cold Pacific ocean since I can't even put a little toe in it when other people are splashing blissfully in the spa-like Atlantic? How can I enjoy EPA with it's bars-on-the corner store while others OOoh and AAahh and the Louvre? For heaven's sake I've even only been to Disney Land for 1/2 a day when I was 9. I can't even afford to go to camp with my church up state this summer because Who the Heck can take vacation? A mountain lake?! Please! Choose me!
I just long to enjoy life with friends and I take all the opportunity I can, but I end up burned out and broke. And even that is just from enjoying life here in three local Nor Cal towns.

Aiya. (Yes, I've turned Asian, also. What I meant to say was Uff-da.)
On that note. My headache and I are going to Amy's martial arts birthday party (I keep typing martian arts, which I think would be more interesting) for pizza and cake and the most beautiful thing the world has to offer-- happy children. (I'm actually not convinced that's true, but I'm trying to wrap this up on a happy note.)
I'll probably continue to "write" in the car, so maybe more later...

Have returned, and must say that now I want a martial arts birthday party too. Peter, the kids' teacher, always amazes me because he engages them so well. I've never seen anyone work with kids as well as he does. He also had my tough little girl sitting on his motorcycles revving the engine. It was a great party.
I'm home now to enjoy the feeling of a full tank of gas, a good book, and a voice mail from good friends (That's YOU, dear Choates! I know you read my blog!). That is how some of us feel rich, I suppose.

one hot Saturday evening...

I wonder what perfect weather is. 72 degrees? Slight breeze? Evening? Whatever it is right now, is not it. Of course, I haven't been outside all day, but whatever it has been for the last several days and whatever is making my house too hot inside... that's not it. I'm sitting here half dressed in front of my fan (not convenient when the very good looking young man comes rings the doorbell to talk to me about measure J) reading two chapters at a time of my book, sleeping, and compulsively checking my email because I'm convinced that it's too hot and humid to even go buy raspberry lemonade at the Safeway 1/2 a mile away. I could maybe risk it soon. According to the ever-reliable interwebz, it's currently 76, wind at 13 mph, and humidity dropped to 45%. Not sure raspberry lemonade is worth it though. Maybe if someone wanted to hang out. But all my roommates are out of town and everyone I've tried to get a hold of it MIA. I might be reduced to cleaning out my closet or filing paper. Or, more realistically, thinking about cleaning out my closet and filing papers and really reading two chapters of my book and then finding something worthless to watch on Hulu. Ah, Saturday. So many things I should do and so little motivation.
Does anyone else need people for motivation? I could always clean my room more easily if my mom came and kept me company. I need to make a dessert for tomorrow night, but I'd rather do it with some company. I need to get rid of a bunch of my stuff. But I'd rather have someone to run those decisions by. I should probably clean the whole freakin' house... but it's so freakin' hot!
So. Oh well. I certainly couldn't be accused of not taking a day of rest this week. The attitude might not be exactly right on, but it's a step.

Wow, I just lost this post and thankfully found it in drafts. Thank goodness for autosave. I mean, it's not like there's anything important or philosophically deep here, but I was sad when it was gone anyway.
Alright, I guess I'll post it now. I know everyone's dying to read it.
:)

On Rejection

Why does rejection have to be... rejection? Why couldn't it be, say, acceptance? Oh sure, I hear you. It sounds like I'm just dealing with names in some post-modern kind of definition. You can name rejection "acceptance" and it will still be the same thing only with a different name and then "acceptance" will cause you pain and suffering. Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet and all that.
It just feels that I'm going through a season of rejection in my life. Friends and men and... I mean, in a way things just change and it's not necessarily rejection. Part of the change is even on my end. And some of the rejection is not complete, but compartmental. I don't even know how to define the length of the season. It feels acute right now, but I could say that the season has lasted a couple of years.
On the other hand, especially over these couple of years, I can see a lot of love and acceptance. I can see many ways and many relationships in which I'm not rejected but instead I am truly loved and blessed. In fact the one who has the most right to fully reject me most fully accepts and loves me.
And here I return to something I've been mulling over a lot: the theme of loving others. I have a hard time accepting that love of Christ. And perhaps that is why I feel so rejected by others, and perhaps that makes it easier for me to reject others rather than love them as Christ would. This is the reverse approach to the same thought process I've been looking at. If I can accept the love of Christ and see my own value, I can spread that love to others in my close community and that will continue on to the community at large.
Interesting how my thoughts on personal rejection led back to this again. A God thing, I suppose.

So much to say

I have a lot to say. A lot. Unfortunately, there is not time. Yeah, sorry about that.

Baby steps

I do not DO baby steps. I'm so much an all-or-nothing kind of girl. However, I'm attempting to take steps more appropriate to my size.
Thus:
I have been drinking water when I think of it, even if means having a paper cup around instead of a reusable water bottle which would be much more Palo Altan of me and even though it usually means drinking room temperature water.
I have been trying to take food for lunch and thus be less tempted to buy whatever crap is most readily available around the shopping center. PB&J may not seem like a great lunch to some people but we're going for improvement here, not perfection. It has protein and is not 8,000 calories. Add a string cheese and/or a boiled egg and voila: lunch. I may still go for a black bottom cupcake at Peet's, but at least they're small and don't have frosting. Also eating luna bars, since Target still sells the one good flavor.
Finally, I have been to the gym twice now and plan to go again tomorrow. I think I've figured out how to squeeze it in, and it does feel awfully good. Must invest in a few more tank tops, etc. My favorite shorts have disappeared as well. But at least now I can be seen in shorts. Before when I went to the gym I made myself wear sweats.
Now: to sleep. Early.

Take Luck...

My dearest sister has advised me (as have some greeting cards) to concentrate on taking care of myself. This means, among other things, not concentrating on finding the love of my life in male form. To this end, I've come to my blog to brainstorm (can one brainstorm with oneself?) ideas of how to take good care of myself and I wonder if it will only turn into How to Spoil Myself Cuz They Said I Could 101.
Okay, let's see.

Sleep regular hours
drink water
eat veggies
exercise
(this isn't sounding like spoiling myself so far)
a massage (more like it)
saving for a trip (spending sounds more fun for immediate pleasure)
hot baths (but this makes the water bill go up)
get the piano from A and play for pleasure and for improvement
write letters
read

let's start with that, and see how we do. Tired, so it's time to implement #1.

Sweet Youth and thereafter

It is 12:45 am on my birthday. Yep, I've just turned 27 (unless we are waiting until 4:18 am, or whatever it was), leaving my mid-20s behind and entering my late 20s. Goodbye, youth.

Well, on my last day of youth I may have figured out what to do with my life. Ready? EVERYTHING.
And why not?
Here's the plan: I'll work lots of places for just a while each. For a while I'll work someplace like The Milk Pail and I'll learn all kinds of things about produce and cheese. Then maybe I'll work as a gardener. I'll learn about pruning and different kinds of plants. After that... well, the possibilities are endless.
Some people actually get paid to do this. They are called journalists. All they have to do is WRITE about their experience. The experience is called research. Funny, eh? What a way to live! But I didn't come to this out of envy, unless it was envy of knowledge. And I don't want book knowledge; it's not the same. I want to become a little mini-expert in lots of areas. For my own edification and who knows for what else. I want to know the workings of everything. National parks, soup kitchens, corporate offices, zoos, publishing houses... so much! I want to learn.
Now I just need to muster the courage and optimism. The discipline and drive.
A good start might be a good night's sleep. We celebrate upon wakening.
Good night.


ps- if I ever did want to be one of those writer-types, I'd have to learn to write sentences that aren't all the same length. Meh.

Omitted

Failure! In my post about TV dream-guys, I completely left out a Very Important Tall, Dark, and Handsome character. (Though, I'd prefer to believe he is Completely Real and not at all fictitious.)
May I present to you, Gilbert Blythe:




(swwooooooooooon!)

(btw, actor is Jonathan Crombie.)

I am completely in love. With Gilbert Blythe.
That is all.

What's important to you, Katie?

Relationships: God is a relational God, so it makes sense that I care about relationships so very much. This is a broad topic. Friendships have been important to me always. Men in my life have always held a special place, and over the last year I've really come to value the place of women in my life. This has been wonderful. I've been seeking the presence of women, both in peers and in elders and it has been a blessing. MC and C, J, my small group girls, my roommates. All such blessings. I've always wanted a strong male presence in my life, from E and dad and Grandpa, to my male teachers and male counselors, my pastors, my guy friends B, A, etc. But I really see the value of these wonderful women. Beyond that, my dearest friends are incredibly important to me. S, K, my roommates former and current. There is something about that best friend, of which I have several. I have expanded (or broken?) the meaning of Best.

Family. Oh, family. I often worry that I have put my family above God, and am in constant prayer about this. God has given me such a wonderful, supportive, Christ-centered, amazing family by whom I'm so blessed... and I will take that gift and put it above the giver! And I know that I will be jealous of being second to God in my husband's life... though I know I want to be second--that it wouldn't work to be first. Also, my family is crazy. Sometimes I am really mad at them. They are just a normal, yelling, dysfunctional, loving, awesome family.

Growing my relationship with God: I hope that I am always, always, always, growing. I have grown so much in the last year. I would hope that it wouldn't always have to be so painful (sorry, MC, I just can't deny it: I don't LIKE pain.) I need to be in the word more. My small group is awesome for this. I love my church for being so Bible based. I love my church for being healthy. Also, it is from this growth and my relationship with God that I hope to show love in the world, and be as Christ to it, every day. I pretty much fail, though.

Healing for the church: I have been through crazy times as far as my church background, and it has been painful for my family and those around us. This seems so wrong! The Church is a family, a body, THE Family, THE Body! So much of the hurt comes from misunderstanding and minor differences. It is my great hope for healing in this respect. We are the Body of Christ. Christians. We believe that He is the Son of God, that He came to die for our sins, the He rose on the third day and is at the right hand of the Father. We believe that God is God, the One and Only God, Three in One, that we are saved by Grace through Faith alone (yup, even the Catholics believe that. Myth one: busted.) (Also, I'm usually against capitalizing everything, I just happen to be in That Mood. ;) ) It just seems that the one place there should be more love in the world is within the church. But we are fallen, and it's tough! But no wonder the world has such a hard time with us.

Appreciating Beauty: I don't know if this is something that has developed even more since I have gotten into photography. Actually, I think it is something that I have always really valued. I can think back to long ago trips to beautiful places with my dad and remember being in awe. And I think I've always known that I grew up in a beautiful area. At the same time, I simply don't have the full motivation to get past all my physical limitations and my mental ones as well (I hate to admit those psychological ones), to do things like climb mountains and go on difficult hikes... I like to think I have a bit of an adventurous spirit, but I might be kidding myself. I was always the child who stayed indoors and read or watched TV rather than found something to do outside like my brother. Still, I am awed by the Canadian Rockies, tiny flowers, frogs, spider webs, puppies, shooting stars, aurora borealis, lichen, snow, and the likes.

Knowledge/Learning: I've said before that if I could, I might just sit in classes for the rest of my life soaking up head-knowledge. Ohhh, but then there's all the fun hands-on stuff. As long as I'm not being graded on it, I want to learn. I want to watch documentaries or travel to cool places and see for myself. Sometimes I think I have a hard time getting to the "get up and go," but I'm so much happier when I've done it!

These are just a few of the things that are important to me.

Bless his beautiful hide...

I think I realized why I haven't been posting. Every time I think of something to post, it occurs to me that people are waiting to READ it! You know, the things I think about posting are just the musings you guys are already tired of hearing from me anyway. All I'm going to do is think about relationships. I'm a relational gal, with one very important relationship in mind pretty much all the time. Healthy? Maybe not. But that's maybe the way it is right now.
Here's my revelation/theory for the day:
I've always thought that men should be the pursuer in the relationship. Why is that? I mean, this is 2009! Go get what you want, right ladies? It's true that I'm completely terrified of rejection, but maybe it's more than that. If a man is not even going to pursue me, what kind of leader is he going to be in the relationship to follow? I need a leader. Believe me. I can't make a decision to save my life, so he's going to have to do it. (Exaggerating a little, obviously.) (Look! I shouldn't have to put disclaimers on my own blog! This is MY blog! If you are reading this you should know me well enough!)
Is pursuer a word? It looks funny.
That's all.
Goodnight.

My TV Type WARNING: Shallow side of me

I think I have a "type." Tall, dark, and handsome. I know, it's so cliched! But, as I've been sick all weekend I've been watching reruns on Hulu of Charles in Charge and it turns out I've got a crush on Charles. I'm trying to be realistic, here. It's not a crush on the actor, Scott Baio, it's a crush on Charles. (Though, I may note that Baio also played Chachi and certainly everyone had a crush on Chachi, right?) I started watching Charles in Charge because I ran out of Chuck episodes. I'm all caught up on Chuck. Oh yes, btw, I'm crushing on Chuck. (Crushing is a verb now. To crush on.) Who wouldn't be? It occurred to me the other night that Chuck reminds me a little bit of another lanky TV man that I may have obsessed a bit over (maybe)... Ed. Ohhhh, Ed. Oh, and Ed's best friend Mike. Yes, and then we might as well throw in Mr Darcy.


Scott Baio-- Charles


Zachary Levi-- Chuck
(and hey, at least he's my age)


Tom Cavanaugh-- Ed



Colin Firth as Fitzwilliam Darcy-- the best scene too!



Seeing a pattern here?

Weathering It

You've heard of Christmas in July? Well, this is July in April. Yes, we're having a little spurt of 90- degree-weather in the Bay and it's even a little teeny bit worse since I moved 20 minutes south because I don't have the actual Bay to do its thing and cool things off. According to my computer it is currently 92 degrees in SF-- 6:39 pm. Currently 93 here in the south bay. So wrong! It's APRIL! I understand my poor mother's complaints about snow in April back home, too. Can't we just find a happy medium and both be content? How about all 70s all the time? Yeah. Sweet.
Don't hold me to that, I love my seasons. I love my seasons up to somewhere in the low 80s for a couple of days. Snow for a few months. Crisp autumn mornings. Sweet spring days. And 70s in the summer. I think I'm not supposed to be living in CA. Off to get some more water...

On Pain

Fibromyalgia sucks.
Okay, now that we've established that...
I wonder what it's like to be "normal." There are people out there, so I've heard, that lead normal lives. I think I've even seen them and met a few. They do not have all these medical problems. They are active and healthy and don't take several pills a day. They go running for fun and don't think about subluxing patellas or bronchial spasms. What is that like? I'll never know. What if they cured fibromyalgia? They don't even know what it is! A cure is forever off. And do I have chronic fatigue? I am not sure.
Today I came home from work for the second time in memory because I was just too achy. Actually, I've been achier at work (is 'achier' a word?) but also, there wasn't much to do and I figured I might as well rest at home instead of staring into space at the store. But I can't let this win! Last year December was a bad month. I was miserable. It looks like January is going to be not-so-great this year. And I can't just take a month off of work. It's not like I feel better at home anyway. I just sleep so I'm not so aware of the pain. But when I wake up I feel even worse. Honestly, I probably feel much much worse than anyone else would feel before they'd go home. I mean, I stick it out much longer. But that doesn't matter. I'm me-- it's my body, my life. It doesn't matter what other people would do, only what I would do and what I can handle. Sometimes I worry that if I try to stick it out too long that I'll over do it and have to pay later. But I'm not sure. Also, I'm worried that I don't stick it out enough. That I'm not as tough as I could be. And I know I'm not doing everything I can to feel my best. I should be eating better, taking some kind of supplements or something, according to whatever rheumatolgist, exercising, etc. But it's so overwhelming. And if I'm going to do my best at feeling better in that area, why not do my best in everything else? Do everything I can to lose weight, to serve God better, to be attractive, to be the healthiest, most loving, best version of me possible? And here I get into the all or nothing mind set and can't do anything. Especially when I'm in pain. And I'm depressed. I can only sleep. Which makes things worse. Which makes me sleep more. Oh, the bitter cycle. And of course, as my counselor pointed out, it's not just a cycle. It's a big mess of cause and effect. A jumble.

I can't let anyone know that I'm like this! How will I ever find someone if they know I'm depressed and in pain and I struggle with these things! Must hide the blog.

I am cheerful and happy and live in the Joy and Peace of the Lord and everything is fine. Hah!

Really, I am thankful for Joy and Peace, when they come. And when I am able to recognize them. Sometimes I have to ask to see them because I get wrapped up in things like my pain. Oh, I don't want this cup! But, I suppose, if it were not this cup, it would be another. No one gets to have no cup at all. This is the will of the Lord and I will ask for Joy through it. There is so much that I do find Joy in. It's just that I feel everything so deeply. Does the physical pain have to be the same?

Trust So Sweet

We are finishing up the Psalm series at church this next week and today in worship we sang this hymn. It has been with me since rehearsal on Tuesday, and seems to be a bit of response to the psalm of doubt that I wrote.

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His Word;
just to rest upon His promise just to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Refrain:
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus, just to trust His cleansing blood;
just in simple faith to plunge me ’neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Refrain

Yes, 'tis sweet to trust in Jesus, just from sin and self to cease;
just from Jesus simply taking life and rest, and joy and peace.

Refrain

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee, precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
and I know that Thou art with me, wilt be with me to the end.

Refrain

My Psalm

When going through a particularly hard time this last year, I read straight through the Psalms. It was the only time I can remember that I wanted to pick up my Bible and read, like a good novel that you can't put down. It was a page-turner. The words spoke to me like the Word of God never had before and I think it was mostly the raw emotion behind it all. This term in my fellowship group and also at church we've been going through the Psalms. For some reason I've been distanced from it and haven't been connecting with the Word in the same way. I wonder even if I don't want to. If it was so much the first time that I'm afraid to again. Or perhaps I've just been too busy and haven't given myself the time. That's pretty weak.
In any case, the last assignment in our fellowship group was to write our own psalm. I didn't do it ahead of time. I wrote during the time that everyone else was sharing what they had written. And partly because of the rush, I don't much care for what I wrote. The other problem with it, as with much of the poetry that I write, is that it doesn't translate well from what I hear to the page. I like it better spoken by me than as written word. It's not fancy. My poems never are. It's not too deep. It's just honest.
Nonetheless, here it is:


What the heck was that?
You tricked me!
You sent me in and I came out
broken.
And I'm supposed to know that
you cherish me.

No, I know it wasn't a trick. And that
you are broken with me.
I know that you cherish me.
But the pain is
so heavy.

I deliberately praise you.
I sing and you comfort me.
I crawl into your lap and
fall into a fitful sleep.
I am trying.

But I don't need to.
You will take my life
my every breath as prayer and praise
and you will cherish me
whether or not I recognize it.

I don't know why this happened.
But you do not set out to harm and
I fall back into your arms.
What choice do I have?
I am full of doubt but you
don't turn me away.

Over and Over there will be pain and
I will have doubt and
you will prove yourself. And
I am sorry for this ridiculous cycle.
I may never learn.

I am broken.
You cherish me.

I am broken.

Yesterday

Yesterday I felt like I swallowed a grapefruit. Thus, after helping Kev move stuff around inside the new apartment for a while, I was assigned the heavy-duty job of keeping an eye on the unlocked storage unit. This made me look uber-cool to all Kevin and Christy's friends who kept walking past with large pieces of furniture and heavy boxes. I just stood there and smiled. Oh, and one time I abandoned my post to carry one of those cool exercise balls up the stairs. Then I was rewarded for all my sweating with some sparkling water and cold pizza. (Seriously, who is this girl and what did she do?) Oh yes, and then I bought some music on Kevin's itunes. I am SO helpful.

After a nap (I mean, I had only slept till noon and then worked HARD for three hours) I returned to the apartment eager to redeem myself with my witty personality (which Kevin claims I have). Hah! Instead I was teased mercilessly for hours on end. Let us make it clear that hot lemonade is delicious, is not referred to as SARS-ade, and that I never actually said I would buy everyone candy if I heard "Tesla" one more time! And really, the caesar dressing was too strong. I wanted that salad. Honestly. I should know better than to bring up chickens at the dinner table, but as I have not learned after 26 years, I was forced to walk away and wait outside.

We watched Clue ("Flames! Flames on the side of my face!") and ate truffles and Kevin poured me too much wine as usual.

I laughed. I laughed so much! There were entirely too many inside jokes for one night, and I had a great time.

I still feel like I swallowed a grapefruit.

Tesla

Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla

Yup, that about covers my night.

Tell me how you really feel

You know what? I'm kind of unhappy. I mean, I feel basically happy. That is, I can feel background, base, fundamental happiness. But I'm annoyed and unsatisfied. And I'd like to express that. I am annoyed at all the people I come across that think they know everything and are so arrogant about it. I'm annoyed that I'm sure I do the same thing sometimes. It disappoints and scares me to know that I can come across that way-- that part of me IS that way.
I'm annoyed that I look the way I do and annoyed that it takes serious sacrifices to change it. I do not feel like going to the gym. I can give up my croissant, but maybe not my hot chocolate. I can add water, but what will I eat for lunch? Look, I know what's good for me, but I'd honestly rather just not eat than eat something I don't really want. Yep, I'm that lazy. And I hate it. I know, I know. "Well, you don't hate it enough." "No one can change it but you." "You just have to do it." Enough already! I'm not stupid!

I can go through my day being perfectly cheerful. If you ask me how I am, I can give you the answer you want. I can tell you how I like the fall and how I enjoyed my visit with my nephews and how I'm looking forward to Christmas and how I thrive on reorganizing books even as I grumble to myself as I do it. I know these are the things I should be thinking about. Count your blessings, think happy thoughts. Positive thinking will change your day, blah blah blah. Look, I know there is truth to it but doesn't it sound so TV-Psycho-Pseudo-religious-self-help-babbley? I can't stand it!
I AM cheerful about those things. I am genuinely happy about them. I am also genuinely upset about other things and I don't like to take away from them. I am an equal-opportunity emotionalist.
In the spirit of that mostly-true but still annoying TV-Psycho-Pseudo-religious-self-help-babble I am not going to list more of the things I am upset about (being single) especially since some of them are things I could maybe do something about (my knees are really really scarily bad these days) . Instead I will list just a couple things that I'm happy about. My family, my good friends, sleep, stars, animals, people who are not mean, Jesus, the smell of wood.
There.
But just FYI, people should stop getting engaged and being beautiful and nice and smart and other annoying things like that. Go ahead, give me the "But Katie, you're beautiful and nice and smart and everything is in God's timing" lecture. Tell me something I haven't heard. I will believe you that I have the potential to be prettier than I am now and also that I'm not the least pretty person ever. That I am mostly nice but can also be pretty snarky. That I am not stupid (as I myself claimed above) but certainly have not done what I am capable of and am not capable of what others are (but you're a unique individual capable of different things! blah blah blah). And that yes, everything happens in God's timing. Darn God's timing.
Now just so you all know, I don't really feel that way. I mean, yes, I certainly do. But I fully recognize the fallibility, stubbornness, even sin in it all. Also the immaturity and the part that will lead you to say "You have to get yourself figured out before you can be in a relationship." (Another one I've heard more than once.)
Well, okay, that was just some human venting for the night.
I am going to bed.

Another disclaimer on grammar: When in a rant, one does not need to adhere to all grammar rules. That is, I don't need to. Ranting tends to produce difficult grammatical situations which require some thought and possibly research. There is no time to pause for this in the middle of said rant.