Baby steps

I do not DO baby steps. I'm so much an all-or-nothing kind of girl. However, I'm attempting to take steps more appropriate to my size.
Thus:
I have been drinking water when I think of it, even if means having a paper cup around instead of a reusable water bottle which would be much more Palo Altan of me and even though it usually means drinking room temperature water.
I have been trying to take food for lunch and thus be less tempted to buy whatever crap is most readily available around the shopping center. PB&J may not seem like a great lunch to some people but we're going for improvement here, not perfection. It has protein and is not 8,000 calories. Add a string cheese and/or a boiled egg and voila: lunch. I may still go for a black bottom cupcake at Peet's, but at least they're small and don't have frosting. Also eating luna bars, since Target still sells the one good flavor.
Finally, I have been to the gym twice now and plan to go again tomorrow. I think I've figured out how to squeeze it in, and it does feel awfully good. Must invest in a few more tank tops, etc. My favorite shorts have disappeared as well. But at least now I can be seen in shorts. Before when I went to the gym I made myself wear sweats.
Now: to sleep. Early.

Take Luck...

My dearest sister has advised me (as have some greeting cards) to concentrate on taking care of myself. This means, among other things, not concentrating on finding the love of my life in male form. To this end, I've come to my blog to brainstorm (can one brainstorm with oneself?) ideas of how to take good care of myself and I wonder if it will only turn into How to Spoil Myself Cuz They Said I Could 101.
Okay, let's see.

Sleep regular hours
drink water
eat veggies
exercise
(this isn't sounding like spoiling myself so far)
a massage (more like it)
saving for a trip (spending sounds more fun for immediate pleasure)
hot baths (but this makes the water bill go up)
get the piano from A and play for pleasure and for improvement
write letters
read

let's start with that, and see how we do. Tired, so it's time to implement #1.

Sweet Youth and thereafter

It is 12:45 am on my birthday. Yep, I've just turned 27 (unless we are waiting until 4:18 am, or whatever it was), leaving my mid-20s behind and entering my late 20s. Goodbye, youth.

Well, on my last day of youth I may have figured out what to do with my life. Ready? EVERYTHING.
And why not?
Here's the plan: I'll work lots of places for just a while each. For a while I'll work someplace like The Milk Pail and I'll learn all kinds of things about produce and cheese. Then maybe I'll work as a gardener. I'll learn about pruning and different kinds of plants. After that... well, the possibilities are endless.
Some people actually get paid to do this. They are called journalists. All they have to do is WRITE about their experience. The experience is called research. Funny, eh? What a way to live! But I didn't come to this out of envy, unless it was envy of knowledge. And I don't want book knowledge; it's not the same. I want to become a little mini-expert in lots of areas. For my own edification and who knows for what else. I want to know the workings of everything. National parks, soup kitchens, corporate offices, zoos, publishing houses... so much! I want to learn.
Now I just need to muster the courage and optimism. The discipline and drive.
A good start might be a good night's sleep. We celebrate upon wakening.
Good night.


ps- if I ever did want to be one of those writer-types, I'd have to learn to write sentences that aren't all the same length. Meh.

Omitted

Failure! In my post about TV dream-guys, I completely left out a Very Important Tall, Dark, and Handsome character. (Though, I'd prefer to believe he is Completely Real and not at all fictitious.)
May I present to you, Gilbert Blythe:




(swwooooooooooon!)

(btw, actor is Jonathan Crombie.)

I am completely in love. With Gilbert Blythe.
That is all.

What's important to you, Katie?

Relationships: God is a relational God, so it makes sense that I care about relationships so very much. This is a broad topic. Friendships have been important to me always. Men in my life have always held a special place, and over the last year I've really come to value the place of women in my life. This has been wonderful. I've been seeking the presence of women, both in peers and in elders and it has been a blessing. MC and C, J, my small group girls, my roommates. All such blessings. I've always wanted a strong male presence in my life, from E and dad and Grandpa, to my male teachers and male counselors, my pastors, my guy friends B, A, etc. But I really see the value of these wonderful women. Beyond that, my dearest friends are incredibly important to me. S, K, my roommates former and current. There is something about that best friend, of which I have several. I have expanded (or broken?) the meaning of Best.

Family. Oh, family. I often worry that I have put my family above God, and am in constant prayer about this. God has given me such a wonderful, supportive, Christ-centered, amazing family by whom I'm so blessed... and I will take that gift and put it above the giver! And I know that I will be jealous of being second to God in my husband's life... though I know I want to be second--that it wouldn't work to be first. Also, my family is crazy. Sometimes I am really mad at them. They are just a normal, yelling, dysfunctional, loving, awesome family.

Growing my relationship with God: I hope that I am always, always, always, growing. I have grown so much in the last year. I would hope that it wouldn't always have to be so painful (sorry, MC, I just can't deny it: I don't LIKE pain.) I need to be in the word more. My small group is awesome for this. I love my church for being so Bible based. I love my church for being healthy. Also, it is from this growth and my relationship with God that I hope to show love in the world, and be as Christ to it, every day. I pretty much fail, though.

Healing for the church: I have been through crazy times as far as my church background, and it has been painful for my family and those around us. This seems so wrong! The Church is a family, a body, THE Family, THE Body! So much of the hurt comes from misunderstanding and minor differences. It is my great hope for healing in this respect. We are the Body of Christ. Christians. We believe that He is the Son of God, that He came to die for our sins, the He rose on the third day and is at the right hand of the Father. We believe that God is God, the One and Only God, Three in One, that we are saved by Grace through Faith alone (yup, even the Catholics believe that. Myth one: busted.) (Also, I'm usually against capitalizing everything, I just happen to be in That Mood. ;) ) It just seems that the one place there should be more love in the world is within the church. But we are fallen, and it's tough! But no wonder the world has such a hard time with us.

Appreciating Beauty: I don't know if this is something that has developed even more since I have gotten into photography. Actually, I think it is something that I have always really valued. I can think back to long ago trips to beautiful places with my dad and remember being in awe. And I think I've always known that I grew up in a beautiful area. At the same time, I simply don't have the full motivation to get past all my physical limitations and my mental ones as well (I hate to admit those psychological ones), to do things like climb mountains and go on difficult hikes... I like to think I have a bit of an adventurous spirit, but I might be kidding myself. I was always the child who stayed indoors and read or watched TV rather than found something to do outside like my brother. Still, I am awed by the Canadian Rockies, tiny flowers, frogs, spider webs, puppies, shooting stars, aurora borealis, lichen, snow, and the likes.

Knowledge/Learning: I've said before that if I could, I might just sit in classes for the rest of my life soaking up head-knowledge. Ohhh, but then there's all the fun hands-on stuff. As long as I'm not being graded on it, I want to learn. I want to watch documentaries or travel to cool places and see for myself. Sometimes I think I have a hard time getting to the "get up and go," but I'm so much happier when I've done it!

These are just a few of the things that are important to me.

Bless his beautiful hide...

I think I realized why I haven't been posting. Every time I think of something to post, it occurs to me that people are waiting to READ it! You know, the things I think about posting are just the musings you guys are already tired of hearing from me anyway. All I'm going to do is think about relationships. I'm a relational gal, with one very important relationship in mind pretty much all the time. Healthy? Maybe not. But that's maybe the way it is right now.
Here's my revelation/theory for the day:
I've always thought that men should be the pursuer in the relationship. Why is that? I mean, this is 2009! Go get what you want, right ladies? It's true that I'm completely terrified of rejection, but maybe it's more than that. If a man is not even going to pursue me, what kind of leader is he going to be in the relationship to follow? I need a leader. Believe me. I can't make a decision to save my life, so he's going to have to do it. (Exaggerating a little, obviously.) (Look! I shouldn't have to put disclaimers on my own blog! This is MY blog! If you are reading this you should know me well enough!)
Is pursuer a word? It looks funny.
That's all.
Goodnight.

My TV Type WARNING: Shallow side of me

I think I have a "type." Tall, dark, and handsome. I know, it's so cliched! But, as I've been sick all weekend I've been watching reruns on Hulu of Charles in Charge and it turns out I've got a crush on Charles. I'm trying to be realistic, here. It's not a crush on the actor, Scott Baio, it's a crush on Charles. (Though, I may note that Baio also played Chachi and certainly everyone had a crush on Chachi, right?) I started watching Charles in Charge because I ran out of Chuck episodes. I'm all caught up on Chuck. Oh yes, btw, I'm crushing on Chuck. (Crushing is a verb now. To crush on.) Who wouldn't be? It occurred to me the other night that Chuck reminds me a little bit of another lanky TV man that I may have obsessed a bit over (maybe)... Ed. Ohhhh, Ed. Oh, and Ed's best friend Mike. Yes, and then we might as well throw in Mr Darcy.


Scott Baio-- Charles


Zachary Levi-- Chuck
(and hey, at least he's my age)


Tom Cavanaugh-- Ed



Colin Firth as Fitzwilliam Darcy-- the best scene too!



Seeing a pattern here?

Weathering It

You've heard of Christmas in July? Well, this is July in April. Yes, we're having a little spurt of 90- degree-weather in the Bay and it's even a little teeny bit worse since I moved 20 minutes south because I don't have the actual Bay to do its thing and cool things off. According to my computer it is currently 92 degrees in SF-- 6:39 pm. Currently 93 here in the south bay. So wrong! It's APRIL! I understand my poor mother's complaints about snow in April back home, too. Can't we just find a happy medium and both be content? How about all 70s all the time? Yeah. Sweet.
Don't hold me to that, I love my seasons. I love my seasons up to somewhere in the low 80s for a couple of days. Snow for a few months. Crisp autumn mornings. Sweet spring days. And 70s in the summer. I think I'm not supposed to be living in CA. Off to get some more water...

On Pain

Fibromyalgia sucks.
Okay, now that we've established that...
I wonder what it's like to be "normal." There are people out there, so I've heard, that lead normal lives. I think I've even seen them and met a few. They do not have all these medical problems. They are active and healthy and don't take several pills a day. They go running for fun and don't think about subluxing patellas or bronchial spasms. What is that like? I'll never know. What if they cured fibromyalgia? They don't even know what it is! A cure is forever off. And do I have chronic fatigue? I am not sure.
Today I came home from work for the second time in memory because I was just too achy. Actually, I've been achier at work (is 'achier' a word?) but also, there wasn't much to do and I figured I might as well rest at home instead of staring into space at the store. But I can't let this win! Last year December was a bad month. I was miserable. It looks like January is going to be not-so-great this year. And I can't just take a month off of work. It's not like I feel better at home anyway. I just sleep so I'm not so aware of the pain. But when I wake up I feel even worse. Honestly, I probably feel much much worse than anyone else would feel before they'd go home. I mean, I stick it out much longer. But that doesn't matter. I'm me-- it's my body, my life. It doesn't matter what other people would do, only what I would do and what I can handle. Sometimes I worry that if I try to stick it out too long that I'll over do it and have to pay later. But I'm not sure. Also, I'm worried that I don't stick it out enough. That I'm not as tough as I could be. And I know I'm not doing everything I can to feel my best. I should be eating better, taking some kind of supplements or something, according to whatever rheumatolgist, exercising, etc. But it's so overwhelming. And if I'm going to do my best at feeling better in that area, why not do my best in everything else? Do everything I can to lose weight, to serve God better, to be attractive, to be the healthiest, most loving, best version of me possible? And here I get into the all or nothing mind set and can't do anything. Especially when I'm in pain. And I'm depressed. I can only sleep. Which makes things worse. Which makes me sleep more. Oh, the bitter cycle. And of course, as my counselor pointed out, it's not just a cycle. It's a big mess of cause and effect. A jumble.

I can't let anyone know that I'm like this! How will I ever find someone if they know I'm depressed and in pain and I struggle with these things! Must hide the blog.

I am cheerful and happy and live in the Joy and Peace of the Lord and everything is fine. Hah!

Really, I am thankful for Joy and Peace, when they come. And when I am able to recognize them. Sometimes I have to ask to see them because I get wrapped up in things like my pain. Oh, I don't want this cup! But, I suppose, if it were not this cup, it would be another. No one gets to have no cup at all. This is the will of the Lord and I will ask for Joy through it. There is so much that I do find Joy in. It's just that I feel everything so deeply. Does the physical pain have to be the same?

Trust So Sweet

We are finishing up the Psalm series at church this next week and today in worship we sang this hymn. It has been with me since rehearsal on Tuesday, and seems to be a bit of response to the psalm of doubt that I wrote.

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His Word;
just to rest upon His promise just to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Refrain:
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus, just to trust His cleansing blood;
just in simple faith to plunge me ’neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Refrain

Yes, 'tis sweet to trust in Jesus, just from sin and self to cease;
just from Jesus simply taking life and rest, and joy and peace.

Refrain

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee, precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
and I know that Thou art with me, wilt be with me to the end.

Refrain

My Psalm

When going through a particularly hard time this last year, I read straight through the Psalms. It was the only time I can remember that I wanted to pick up my Bible and read, like a good novel that you can't put down. It was a page-turner. The words spoke to me like the Word of God never had before and I think it was mostly the raw emotion behind it all. This term in my fellowship group and also at church we've been going through the Psalms. For some reason I've been distanced from it and haven't been connecting with the Word in the same way. I wonder even if I don't want to. If it was so much the first time that I'm afraid to again. Or perhaps I've just been too busy and haven't given myself the time. That's pretty weak.
In any case, the last assignment in our fellowship group was to write our own psalm. I didn't do it ahead of time. I wrote during the time that everyone else was sharing what they had written. And partly because of the rush, I don't much care for what I wrote. The other problem with it, as with much of the poetry that I write, is that it doesn't translate well from what I hear to the page. I like it better spoken by me than as written word. It's not fancy. My poems never are. It's not too deep. It's just honest.
Nonetheless, here it is:


What the heck was that?
You tricked me!
You sent me in and I came out
broken.
And I'm supposed to know that
you cherish me.

No, I know it wasn't a trick. And that
you are broken with me.
I know that you cherish me.
But the pain is
so heavy.

I deliberately praise you.
I sing and you comfort me.
I crawl into your lap and
fall into a fitful sleep.
I am trying.

But I don't need to.
You will take my life
my every breath as prayer and praise
and you will cherish me
whether or not I recognize it.

I don't know why this happened.
But you do not set out to harm and
I fall back into your arms.
What choice do I have?
I am full of doubt but you
don't turn me away.

Over and Over there will be pain and
I will have doubt and
you will prove yourself. And
I am sorry for this ridiculous cycle.
I may never learn.

I am broken.
You cherish me.

I am broken.

Yesterday

Yesterday I felt like I swallowed a grapefruit. Thus, after helping Kev move stuff around inside the new apartment for a while, I was assigned the heavy-duty job of keeping an eye on the unlocked storage unit. This made me look uber-cool to all Kevin and Christy's friends who kept walking past with large pieces of furniture and heavy boxes. I just stood there and smiled. Oh, and one time I abandoned my post to carry one of those cool exercise balls up the stairs. Then I was rewarded for all my sweating with some sparkling water and cold pizza. (Seriously, who is this girl and what did she do?) Oh yes, and then I bought some music on Kevin's itunes. I am SO helpful.

After a nap (I mean, I had only slept till noon and then worked HARD for three hours) I returned to the apartment eager to redeem myself with my witty personality (which Kevin claims I have). Hah! Instead I was teased mercilessly for hours on end. Let us make it clear that hot lemonade is delicious, is not referred to as SARS-ade, and that I never actually said I would buy everyone candy if I heard "Tesla" one more time! And really, the caesar dressing was too strong. I wanted that salad. Honestly. I should know better than to bring up chickens at the dinner table, but as I have not learned after 26 years, I was forced to walk away and wait outside.

We watched Clue ("Flames! Flames on the side of my face!") and ate truffles and Kevin poured me too much wine as usual.

I laughed. I laughed so much! There were entirely too many inside jokes for one night, and I had a great time.

I still feel like I swallowed a grapefruit.

Tesla

Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla Tesla

Yup, that about covers my night.

Tell me how you really feel

You know what? I'm kind of unhappy. I mean, I feel basically happy. That is, I can feel background, base, fundamental happiness. But I'm annoyed and unsatisfied. And I'd like to express that. I am annoyed at all the people I come across that think they know everything and are so arrogant about it. I'm annoyed that I'm sure I do the same thing sometimes. It disappoints and scares me to know that I can come across that way-- that part of me IS that way.
I'm annoyed that I look the way I do and annoyed that it takes serious sacrifices to change it. I do not feel like going to the gym. I can give up my croissant, but maybe not my hot chocolate. I can add water, but what will I eat for lunch? Look, I know what's good for me, but I'd honestly rather just not eat than eat something I don't really want. Yep, I'm that lazy. And I hate it. I know, I know. "Well, you don't hate it enough." "No one can change it but you." "You just have to do it." Enough already! I'm not stupid!

I can go through my day being perfectly cheerful. If you ask me how I am, I can give you the answer you want. I can tell you how I like the fall and how I enjoyed my visit with my nephews and how I'm looking forward to Christmas and how I thrive on reorganizing books even as I grumble to myself as I do it. I know these are the things I should be thinking about. Count your blessings, think happy thoughts. Positive thinking will change your day, blah blah blah. Look, I know there is truth to it but doesn't it sound so TV-Psycho-Pseudo-religious-self-help-babbley? I can't stand it!
I AM cheerful about those things. I am genuinely happy about them. I am also genuinely upset about other things and I don't like to take away from them. I am an equal-opportunity emotionalist.
In the spirit of that mostly-true but still annoying TV-Psycho-Pseudo-religious-self-help-babble I am not going to list more of the things I am upset about (being single) especially since some of them are things I could maybe do something about (my knees are really really scarily bad these days) . Instead I will list just a couple things that I'm happy about. My family, my good friends, sleep, stars, animals, people who are not mean, Jesus, the smell of wood.
There.
But just FYI, people should stop getting engaged and being beautiful and nice and smart and other annoying things like that. Go ahead, give me the "But Katie, you're beautiful and nice and smart and everything is in God's timing" lecture. Tell me something I haven't heard. I will believe you that I have the potential to be prettier than I am now and also that I'm not the least pretty person ever. That I am mostly nice but can also be pretty snarky. That I am not stupid (as I myself claimed above) but certainly have not done what I am capable of and am not capable of what others are (but you're a unique individual capable of different things! blah blah blah). And that yes, everything happens in God's timing. Darn God's timing.
Now just so you all know, I don't really feel that way. I mean, yes, I certainly do. But I fully recognize the fallibility, stubbornness, even sin in it all. Also the immaturity and the part that will lead you to say "You have to get yourself figured out before you can be in a relationship." (Another one I've heard more than once.)
Well, okay, that was just some human venting for the night.
I am going to bed.

Another disclaimer on grammar: When in a rant, one does not need to adhere to all grammar rules. That is, I don't need to. Ranting tends to produce difficult grammatical situations which require some thought and possibly research. There is no time to pause for this in the middle of said rant.

Meh

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081117/ap_on_re_eu/eu_britain_new_word;_ylt=Ap43YKmtewvrQ8sya0SKGpGs0NUE

That's right. They've added "Meh" to the dictionary. The problem? The definition is all wrong! Well, I guess that according to their source, the definition is correct. And I don't know when I started using the word and if it actually derived from The Simpsons because I don't watch that show. But I use it in frustration. I want to go home: Meh. Why can't I find that?!: Meh. There's too much going on: Meh. Apparently, it's supposed to more of an apathetic expression.
The only good I can see of this is, as pointed out by my sister, "meh" is now a legitimate Boggle word. Oh! Scrabble too.
But now that there is a dictionary definition for it, I can be accused of improper use. Do you want to know how I feel about that? Meh. (My way, not theirs.)

I would also just like to note that when I ran spell check on this post, every "meh" came up as a problem. We are not yet caught up.

Oh the Places...

On my drive home tonight I saw some signs that intrigued me. And perhaps, if I had time and it wasn't dark and I was a little more adventurous and I had batteries for my camera... If, If, If... I would have explored what lay down these roads...

1) Secret Town Road
Really? I mean, sure enough, you're driving through the mountains and there is suddenly an exit for Secret Town Road. Aren't you dying to know what's back there? Is it a small Bavarian-like village? Is it like Rivendell? Is it a casino and a McDonald's? Is it a trap?


2)Leisure Town Road
Again, I'm thinking trap here. Somehow first "Phantom Toll Booth" came to mind and then "Pilgrim's Progress." Yet, I want to see if it's massage and mocha like or front porch and coca-cola like. Probably neither. Things like this have lost their original intention.

3) Milk Farm Road.
First of all, why Milk Farm and not Dairy Farm? Also, is there really still any kind of farm down this road? Or has it also lost its original intention and perhaps the closest thing to a dairy product you can get is a McDonald's soft-serve or a frappuccino from Starbucks?

One more note. Vacaville. Right. Cowtown. Both on the way to Reno and the way back, I had to say it out loud. Vacaville. Look, I know that if you have lived in this area it's nothing new to you. I had even heard of it. But doesn't it strike you as a little ridiculous? It's a town named Cowtown? I'm sure it even was a cowtown once. It just makes me laugh. Also, I would like to find the nearest vaca. I'm not sure the denizens of Vacaville have seen one lately.

Don't Look At Me!

My four-year-old nephew has been saying all weekend, "Don't look at me!" whenever he wants to do something he knows he shouldn't be doing or wants to do something himself when he could really use some help. I seem to remember one of his brothers going through this stage as well. Caleb was in a frazzled state tonight and he shuddered with tears as he tried to hold together his little image of self-sufficience.
In contrast, the rest of the time the kids are vying constantly for my attention-- Look at me! Watch this! Look what I did!
I think I have to say, before I get into this, that these little life lessons usually grate on me. But as it occurred to me all of its own (or of God's own?) I shall have to write it down. You know, just in case it is useful.
Isn't this how we are with God? And with the world as well. But more importantly with God. Don't look at me! we cry. I'm just going to go over here and do this and just don't look. And don't watch while I make a mess of this over here trying to deal by myself. I know you are offering your help, but I'm pretty sure I can do it. Just go away, and I'll let you know when you can look again.
Calories don't count when no one else is there to see you eat them. Falling down the stairs doesn't count if no one was there to laugh. If no one knows that someone hurt you, they didn't really hurt you. And if no one sees your own sin, maybe you can get away with it. But God is there, isn't he? God is looking. The good news is... drum roll please... Not in a God is Watching You creepy condemning kind of way! Yay! Yes, it is so true that God is a just and fair God who hates sin and does not take kindly to his people turning away from Him. It is also true that He is a loving, grace-filled and compassionate God.

What about the other part? Look at me! Look what I can do! We do that too. This is where the analogy starts grating on me more because I feel like I'm reaching, but I'll go for it. See, I don't know about kids' motives and I don't want to compare them to any of my own ridiculous cries for attention. What are my moments of "Look at me?" I feel like it's anytime I try to look nice, mention an accomplishment, or some such thing as that. But that is for the world. For God, I suppose it is when I say, "Well, look at that! I read the Bible tonight!" or "See how well I treated that person, God?" God sees right through me. He sees my real beauty, my real accomplishments, and my very heart-- and he loves me anyway.

I think perhaps my whole analogy fell apart there at the end, but maybe this was all to be a thinking exercise for me anyway. May God use it in my heart and in yours to His glory.

Happiness is...

eating your favorite homemade dinner rolls.

snuggling with your new baby nephew.

going on a date to the bookstore with a four-year-old.

November actually feeling like November. Brrr!

buying a new sweater on sale.

˙pɹɐʍʞɔɐq puɐ uʍop ǝpısdn ƃuıdʎʇ

knowing that your nephews are smarter than you.

snow on the mountains.

hugs and kisses from sweet little boys.

sleeping in.

soccer, jets, sharks, books, piano, Tagalog, and drawing.

Dream

You should see how many times that word appears in the lyrics to the songs in the soundtrack to You've Got Mail. I was trying to figure out which song from the movie I had in my head, but to no avail because I think every song has that word in it. So.
Interestingly enough, it is that film that has birthed one of my greatest dreams. I want to own a bookstore. Preferably a children's bookstore. Preferably one that does not get eaten alive by Fox books or, in this case, Amazon.com.
I thought this was a cheerful little dream to have. I would get married, have some kids, stay at home, get a part time job, and then with all the money that my husband made (since we would have already stashed plenty away for our kids' college and our retirement) we'd open a bookstore in some little shop/university district. It wouldn't have to make money, it would just be on the side for mental and emotional health.
Problem. The dream is haunting me. Before I was even out of college the children's bookstore I always wanted to work at came up for sale. My English prof/adviser insanely advised me to buy it. He even had a business partner in mind for me-- a fellow alum, a business man, a shop keeper... But I was so young! And in debt! No way. I let it go by. Instead I went to work for the new owner after graduation. Worked there for three years and treated the store like my own.
In the meantime, a well-established children's bookstore near my sister's house in CA announced that they were selling. Well. What could I do, but inquire? So I did, along with my brother-in-law who would be my financial backer if anything actually happened. I inquired. And I thought about it. A lot. Painfully. And then I let it go by. Then I moved to California. I work in a different bookstore now. (I almost worked in missed-opportunity #2.) Yesterday I was whining to my brother-in-law about how I still wanted a bookstore. But the economy is in a nose-dive. It's awful. Not the time to go into business, if you ask me. Especially a business that's hard to keep afloat when the economy is great. Then today I was talking my college roommate's father. I needed advice on something in his field (insurance) and he basically asked me out of the blue if I had ever wanted to buy a bookstore and if I wanted to that he would like to be an investor in something like that. Sheeeeesh.
Here's the thing.
I don't really think I'm a business woman. I pretty much know it. I don't want to ruin relationships over business. Also, I don't want to handle the financial side of things. I want a business manager to handle all that, and all the legal stuff and whatnot. Licenses, rent, all that crap. I don't want to deal with it. And there's so much stuff I know I haven't thought of yet, I can see myself broken down crying every night for months. And that's before I get the business up and running. Let's not talk about when I go out of business! And people want to invest in this! Like, they want to make money. Ummm... this is not a make money kind of deal. Oh boy.
Do I go get an MBA? Will my dream keep popping up if I put it off again? Neither store has sold yet... dare I hold my breath? Dare I think another one could appear?
And Loans?! I'm still paying off college. And what about getting married? How much debt should a man be expected to take on? But then, I keep thinking about waiting for my life to start, and I can't do that. This IS my life. And I don't know what else I'm doing with it. Right now I'm working in a bookstore, which I actually really like. So why does it feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more? Because my favorite teacher told me anything less than a Masters degree was a waste of my mind? Because I live in the land of Overachievment? Because my aunt asked me if being a clerk was really what I was going to do with my BA? Because I make basically no money? Because I am not an engineer or scientist like every other person within a 200-mile radius? Am I supposed to continue on the elementary-school librarian track I started? Should I move back home? How can I afford to do other life-enriching things that I want to do, as mentioned in the previous post? And what about this husband?
Before my ex (ugh, I hate saying that) and I were dating I said to him "Do you want to know something? Oh, I shouldn't even tell you." And he said, "Don't then." But I told him. That a movie had inspired a dream for my whole life. That it had directly influenced the fact that I had worked in a bookstore after college and thus am currently working in a bookstore. I just thought I would come across as so ridiculous and shallow. But I'm not. And his work is video games-- so really (I'm not saying that it's shallow, just- what was I worried about?)
Stupid bookstore.
Stupid movie.
Stupid dream.

Status: Me.

I was just thinking about status messages. It's the thing now, with facebook especially but on gmail too. I always have to set my status. And because I'm so complicated I have to reset it every ten minutes. Furthermore, I can't be honest. I can't write a status as to how I'm really doing because I will only be scolded by some relative or friend for either a) feeling that way in the first place or b) giving a negative impression of myself. My mother complains that my status messages are cryptic but that's because I can't say what I really mean. I say "your turn" to imply that it's someone else's turn to ask me to hang out. I don't want to be the one to start every social engagement. Yes, absolutely some of my friends ask me to hang out. Some of them don't. And it's their turn. How else will I know if I'm forcing myself on them or if they actually want to spend time with me? I say "I can't afford it" instead of "I can't afford online dating sites" because who needs to know that? But I'm frustrated about that at the moment, so that's what goes up. Anyway, I can't afford most things, so it works. But I need a place where I can say how I really feel. And for some reason my journal and my prayers are not enough. Some place that someone else might see it gives it more validation. The unposted status that prompted this particular rant was: Imploding. And no, I'm not spiraling into deep depression. I'm suffering from mild quarter-life crisis depression. And the fact that it's after 11 pm.
I want hot buttered rum and pumpkin donuts and good books and a cat and a fire. And a man. A good man. The right one.
And voice lessons. Guitar lessons,piano lessons and lots of other instrument lessons. Photography class and a little point and shoot camera, a laptop, an editing program, to write, to learn to draw, to take walks, to jog or something, to want to go to the gym, also to eat whatever I want, to buy lots and lots of presents, to get letters in the mail, to be a perfect hostess, lots of animals, a bookstore, to travel, to be thin, to go to the dentist, to dance, to love myself, to love others, energy, naps, Christmas, snow, to read my Bible with enthusiasm, to pray more, to commune with God, to have my long hair back, to visit home and have people visit me, to have friendships, to be loved--truly, to have my friends want to go home with me, forgiveness incoming and outgoing, closure, to be kissed, to live for the glory of God and be honestly happy in my heart.
You know, it's not so much to ask.
And here's the thing about this whole post. I know it looks like it's asking for something. It's why I can't post this stuff other places. It looks too much like I'm asking for something. My blog is the most private/public place I have. I'm not asking for anything. Please don't feel like this is a "please tell me how wonderful I am and how much you love me" post. It's not. It's just a this is how I feel right now post. Half my journal entries look like this. Now there is a matching blog post.

I would like to add one tiny note: See how, since it is midnight, I'm not going back to fix all the grammar things that are driving me crazy?! And oh, there are lots! Quotes, commas, capitalization, not to mention plain bad writing! But I shall resist because the point of this is not to be judged, nor liked, especially based on my English skills.